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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇵🇭 has shared:

I don’t need alcohol to make bad decisions.

Someone from 🇦🇷 has downloaded:

Bag of salad is the boxed wine of vegetables.

Someone from 🇸🇷 has viewed:

I don’t jump to conclusions, I cannonball into them like a boss.

Someone from 🇩🇴 has viewed:

That’s me in the corner eating Nutella with a spoon.

Someone from 🇰🇮 has downloaded:

I made soup while whispering “He was never mine,” like it’s 1893, and I just lost my beloved to a duel.

Someone from 🇬🇧 has bookmarked:

Some days you’re the quick brown fox and other days you’re the lazy dog.

Someone from 🇸🇾 has shared:

I do not have a “body count.” I have a curious spirit.

Someone from 🇧🇹 has shared:

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.

Someone from 🇴🇲 has viewed:

Apologize for the job that you do. It would be nice if you were talented too.

Someone from 🇬🇭 has copied:

I’d be less aggressive in the morning if I could drive to work in a tank.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,752

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17,765

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15,752

Updated

Jan 20, 2026

Users Online

3,417

Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via WeChat:

Eating the rest of the donuts will keep me from eating donuts tomorrow. My logic is flawless.

Making waves on Threads:

Ever read a post multiple times, still tilt your head and whisper, “What?!”

Spotted on TikTok:

Our neighbor complained that our cat is always running through his garden. My father said: “Okay, I’ll tell her.”

Seen just now on YouTube:

You can always tell when a man’s mustache is performative and not representative of his true spirit.

Live now on Slack:

Facing my uncle’s dreaded lightning bolt attack at the Thanksgiving dinner table.

Freshly posted on Instagram:

I like driving by myself. I just played the same song 36 times.

Going viral on Twitch:

The earlier you wake up, the more time you have to think about why you wish you were still asleep in bed.

Seen just now on Telegram:

Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.

Live now on TikTok:

That awkward moment when everything is going so perfectly… and then you wake up.

Spotted on Messenger:

Waiting until 4:59 p.m. on Fridays to send an email, because any response is Monday’s problem.

If we get invaded by space aliens, I am immediately defecting to the alien side. Sorry.

2 months ago

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Commentary:
"Already practicing my 'Take me to your leader' speech! 🤖👽 #TeamAliens"

alien, aliens, am, comedy, defect, extraterrestrial, humor, i, invasion, sci-fi, side, sorry, space

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Social Media Stars ⭐

74 shares on Instagram this month:

Adulting is realizing you can’t skip work like you skipped class.

74 shares on X this month:

My phone storage is full so I guess it’s time to delete the 27 second video I took of a spiderweb four years ago.

10 shares on YouTube this month:

The only thing longer than the opening ceremony of the Olympics is the opening ceremony of my eyes in the morning.

40 shares on X this month:

Of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centers around them being eaten.

58 shares on Facebook this month:

Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours.

94 shares on Twitch this month:

You don’t do laundry once a week. You do it constantly, endlessly, forever—until you die.

75 shares on Facebook this month:

Whoever invented the “skip intro” button really understood humans.

15 shares on Threads this month:

My mental health walks make my mental health worse because I live in a shithole.

52 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Today sucked so bad, I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.

53 shares on Instagram this month:

Grocery stores should have baskets in the middle of the store for those “I really overestimated how much I can carry” moments.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇮🇱 has bookmarked:

I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not an actor.

Someone from 🇧🇭 has viewed:

“You’re so chill.” Thanks, I gave up.

Someone from 🇲🇨 has bookmarked:

Get a Ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.

Someone from 🇨🇾 has copied:

Biggest flex is when your friend’s mom uses you as a good example.

Someone from 🇲🇽 has bookmarked:

None of this matters and we are all going to die. Have a great weekend!

Someone from 🇰🇭 has viewed:

What career is most compatible with the unemployed lifestyle?

Someone from 🇼🇸 has downloaded:

I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse, but I went on a few dates and, honestly, I’m ready now.

Someone from 🇬🇼 has copied:

Nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system.

Someone from 🇩🇴 has copied:

Why do they call it a garage sale instead of a garbage sale?

Someone from 🇫🇲 has downloaded:

I just realized boobytrap backwards spells partyboob.

Social Media Log 💫

Trending via Messenger:

Any time I throw up, I stare at it like I’m getting a message from the past.

Spreading quickly via Slack:

Why am I scrolling? What am I searching for?

Trending via WhatsApp:

I hope the next time you’re stressed, it’s because you’re choosing between Japan, Bali, Switzerland, or the Maldives.

Just landed via Twitch:

When life gives you lemons, give them back and ask what the crap is all about.

Trending via Slack:

My favorite part about being sick is when you sneeze with a cough drop in your mouth and it launches across the room like a cruise missile.

Shared recently on WeChat:

As a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends. As an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

Seen just now on X:

Somebody somewhere today don’t know it’s their last day with all 10 fingers.

Broadcasted on X:

My kid tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos.

Shared recently on X:

I wonder what the other me’s are up to in other dimensions.

Going viral on TikTok:

For the first time in history, you can simply post “He’s an idiot” and 90% of the world will know whom you’re talking about.

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Activity Log ✨

If we get invaded by space aliens, I am immediately defecting to the alien side. Sorry.

I love traveling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes.

Beginning my getting out of bed journey this morning.

I’m at an age now where I start sentences with “I’m at an age now.”

I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.

I wonder how much this “Never mind, it’s only 10 bucks” has already cost me?

The main reason I got divorced was cause I got married.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

If we get invaded by space aliens, I am immediately defecting to the alien side. Sorry.

Keep the laugh going 😂

I love traveling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes.

Beginning my getting out of bed journey this morning.

I’m at an age now where I start sentences with “I’m at an age now.”

I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.

I wonder how much this “Never mind, it’s only 10 bucks” has already cost me?

The main reason I got divorced was cause I got married.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨