If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium, you lizard.

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The part right before bench pressing when you’re laying down but not lifting is so good.

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When I watch hockey, I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.

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My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.

Someone from 🇲🇦 has shared:

The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble.

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I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years.

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I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job, like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon.

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I stay up late every night, regret it in the morning, and the next day I do it all over again.

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A fun thing to do at work is call in sick and stay home.

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We’re living in increasingly unfergalicious times.

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The toughest part of being a vegan is keeping it to yourself.