Lowkey wanna fall in love, but Monday to Friday is work, Saturday is laundry, Sunday is mental prep for Monday. The butterflies in my stomach are actually decomposing.

44 shares on Facebook this month:

People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.

93 shares on Instagram this month:

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

21 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Whenever I’m sad, you’re there. Whenever I have problems, you’re there. Whenever I lose control, you’re there. Let’s face it, you are bad luck.

82 shares on Instagram this month:

If I were a billionaire, I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.

73 shares on Messenger this month:

They should send the Epstein list to everyone’s phones like that U2 album.

37 shares on Messenger this month:

Looking for someone whose favorite thing to do is nothing. No hiking. No adventure. Just bed rot.

11 shares on Pinterest this month:

Sometimes a lover girl, sometimes a dinosaur.

11 shares on Snapchat this month:

My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit.

96 shares on Discord this month:

How is every author the #1 New York Times bestseller?

95 shares on Threads this month:

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.