Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal, have you had any alcohol in the last 24 hours?

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They portray Pilates like it’s this cute girly thing and it’s actually training for combat.

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My burning question is who thought a two day weekend would suffice the human body.

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Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

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Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.

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It’s almost time to put away my black summer clothes and bring out my black fall clothes.

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My love language is caffeine and being left alone until I’m kind again.

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I’m growing a mullet so no one will want to hangout with me.