Me before grocery shopping: only healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this. Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows?

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Shaved my bush and went down a pants size.

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What’s said in the blanket fort, stays in the blanket fort.

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I am thick and tired.

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I want Al to do my laundry and dishes so that I can do art and writing, not for Al to do my art and writing so that I can do my laundry and dishes.

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You don’t scare me. I used to have to call and ask a girl’s parents if she was there.

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Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.

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You can’t fix stupid, but you can watch it in action on Facebook every day.

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If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.

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We should start referring to age as “levels.” So when you’re level 80, it sounds a lot cooler than just being an older person.

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Being single allows you to do a lot of things. For example, standing naked in the kitchen at night and eating cold pizza.