Me: Hello, darkness, my old friend. Darkness: I have a boyfriend.

Someone from 🇱🇦 has viewed:

Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude, you aren’t the one paying for it. Stop!

Someone from 🇨🇦 has downloaded:

My kids acting shocked there’s ants in my car like they’re not Hansel and Gretel leaving bloody crumb trails.

Someone from 🇳🇪 has bookmarked:

Asking my dentist a question, but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies.

Someone from 🇸🇬 has downloaded:

Welcome to your 50s… A new pain will be be assigned to you shortly.

Someone from 🇳🇬 has bookmarked:

Me, to the printer: “Hey, could you print this out for me?” Printer: “Sure, but first I’ll show you all the sounds I can make.”

Someone from 🇹🇯 has bookmarked:

“A healthy lifestyle is all about balance,” I say as I drive through Taco Bell after working out.

Someone from 🇳🇴 has bookmarked:

If you’re riding a bike in New York City, it means you care about your health. Riding one in Tennessee means you got a DUI.

Someone from 🇧🇹 has viewed:

I miss getting my misinformation from less places.

Someone from 🇱🇹 has shared:

A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble.

Someone from 🇵🇪 has shared:

Can’t wait to put up holiday lights so life can be equally crappy but festively so.