No better feeling than getting home and realizing you forgot the one thing you went out for.

Someone from 🇳🇷 has downloaded:

Satan: “I’d tell you to go to Hell, but I work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.”

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Sorry, I ghosted you. I just felt like you were gonna ghost me, so I did it first.

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Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 60-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.

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I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

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Getting money from the Tooth Fairy is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.

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When you realize a 9 to 5 is actually an 8 to 7, since you cannot teleport to work.

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They say sugar can’t fix your problems. Yeah, well, neither can broccoli. At least cake puts in the effort.