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Someone from 🇳🇱 has shared:

My curse was lifted. Do you want to hang out?

Someone from 🇧🇴 has shared:

Jobs are so clingy. Why do you need to see me 40 hours a week?

Someone from 🇰🇼 has copied:

Tell your dog I said woof woof.

Someone from 🇬🇷 has viewed:

Opening up is like talking to a cop: anything you say can and will be used against you.

Someone from 🇲🇩 has bookmarked:

November is for turtlenecks and depression.

Someone from 🇬🇶 has copied:

Babe, you’re not acting according to my delusions right now.

Someone from 🇭🇺 has bookmarked:

I’d like to know what my dog is thinking as he watches me try one outfit after another while getting ready for a party.

Someone from 🇱🇹 has shared:

Going to the bathroom at night with my flashlight on and a dog next to me feels like I’m gonna solve a mystery.

Someone from 🇱🇷 has bookmarked:

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy: Go shopping and leave them at home with their dad.

Someone from 🇧🇭 has bookmarked:

Dear algorithm, please show this post only to people who have innate psionic abilities and would use their abilities for the betterment of humanity if given a chance.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Shared recently on Reddit:

I miss when bills had nothing to do with me.

Seen just now on Discord:

You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”

Shared recently on Telegram:

Whole crypto scheme is built on people too dumb for crypto that aren’t self-aware enough to realize it.

Making waves on Instagram:

Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?

Trending via Telegram:

God, please — if you don’t want someone to love me, at least make me a millionaire.

Spotted on Instagram:

Just stay single, y’all… I’m here apologizing for taking a nap.

Shared recently on X:

Gay? We don’t use that word anymore. Person of rainbow.

Broadcasted on Slack:

“I asked Grok.” “I asked ChatGPT.” Well, I’ve sacrificed a sheep.

Spotted on Reddit:

I keep forgetting i’m at the age where people will tell me they’re pregnant and my reaction is supposed to be positive.

Broadcasted on TikTok:

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, and I’m like, cool, can one of you reach the top shelf for me.

No open job postings for “Warrior Poet” found in your area. Please try another search.

6 days ago

Funny Quotes

Playful text about searching for a mythical "Warrior Poet" job, humorously highlighting rarity.

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Commentary:
Guess I'll have to settle for "Weekend Bard" instead! 🎤🗡️📜

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11 shares on Messenger this month:

Bank account nice and empty. Starting the new month on a clean slate.

70 shares on WeChat this month:

Might mess around and reply, “That sounds like a you problem,” to every work email today.

77 shares on Slack this month:

The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.

99 shares on Pinterest this month:

I’m only grumpy when I’m awake.

70 shares on Telegram this month:

Keeping my mouth shut is usually not enough to avoid an argument with my husband. I also have to deactivate the subtitle function on my face.

12 shares on Facebook this month:

I hope this 17th text in a row with no response finds you well.

100 shares on Threads this month:

Stop asking people over 40 what we like to do for fun. You’re not gonna like the answer.

31 shares on Slack this month:

Ugh, those red and blue flashing lights are interfering with my driving and scrolling.

19 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Coke tastes like tapping into your ancient ancestral petroleum reserves, while Sprite tastes like being connected to a big, beautiful energy grid.

46 shares on Twitch this month:

You don’t become cooler with age, but you do care progressively less about being cool, which is the only true way of being cool. This is called the Geezer’s Paradox.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇨🇻 has bookmarked:

I try not to post too much, to give everyone else a better chance at being seen.

Someone from 🇧🇪 has downloaded:

December. The month at work where everything is January’s problem.

Someone from 🇪🇷 has copied:

I hope one day I will sleep before midnight like normal humans do. Every day I sleep tomorrow, even yesterday I slept today.

Someone from 🇵🇦 has shared:

My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.

Someone from 🇪🇬 has shared:

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999.

Someone from 🇲🇷 has viewed:

Your password must contain a character… with a tragic backstory.

Someone from 🇵🇭 has shared:

I find it sad that my universal remote does not control the universe. Not even remotely.

Someone from 🇲🇺 has viewed:

“AI is coming for your jobs!” I’d like to see AI get absolutely no work done and then throw their coworker under the bus as soon as their boss asks about it.

Someone from 🇰🇷 has shared:

Best tips for saving money: lay down and don’t move.

Someone from 🇸🇷 has downloaded:

The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa.

Social Media Log 💫

Live now on Telegram:

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

Going viral on Facebook:

Sometimes I feel useless, but then I remember I breathe out carbon dioxide for plants.

Just shared via Reddit:

Milk teeth are wasted on children. A new set of teeth would be a lot more useful when you’re older.

Broadcasted on LinkedIn:

Unfortunately, I wasn’t built for casual dating, I’m only built for intense soul crushing love at first sight.

Going viral on Snapchat:

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

Going viral on Reddit:

Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment.

Freshly posted on Discord:

Remember when a series of unfortunate events was a book and not your life?

Seen just now on Pinterest:

At the first signs of a sore throat, you should be given the option of just skipping four days into the future.

Going viral on Discord:

Breakfast in bed: cute in theory, gross in practice.

Going bananas on Pinterest:

Oh, so ChatGPT is gonna tell me about me? Seems gossipy.

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No open job postings for “Warrior Poet” found in your area. Please try another search.

Never in my life have I heard my dad sneeze at an acceptable volume.

Halloween is a big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings.

Have an early flight tomorrow, so naturally I’m going to stay up late tonight and be weird in my room.

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive, I might as well go to therapy.

Nobody says “boom shakalaka” like they used to.

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No open job postings for “Warrior Poet” found in your area. Please try another search.

Keep the laugh going 😂

Life is short. Tell people you love them, so they block you sooner.

Never in my life have I heard my dad sneeze at an acceptable volume.

Halloween is a big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings.

Have an early flight tomorrow, so naturally I’m going to stay up late tonight and be weird in my room.

I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive, I might as well go to therapy.

Nobody says “boom shakalaka” like they used to.

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