Sometimes, u just gotta clean your room and apply an elaborate skincare routine, and pretend that’s equivalent to getting ur life in order. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I don’t want to sleep like a baby, I want to sleep like a cat. 14 hours, no responsibilities, zero regrets. Posted onMay 28, 2026
There should be an Olympics where athletes can take as many drugs as they want. Like, to hell with y’all, let’s see how high humans can really jump. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Vaping always looked dumb. It looks like you’re smoking a kazoo, and now the lead poisoning is the cherry on top. Posted onMay 28, 2026
While the optimist and pessimist argued about the glass of water, the opportunist drank it. Posted onMay 28, 2026
The way people who are really into each other look moments before kissing is so hot. It’s like seeing a glimpse of cannibalism. Posted onMay 28, 2026
The neighbor girl told my kids she wouldn’t come over until they cleaned their rooms, so I guess I do have a favorite child. Posted onMay 28, 2026
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And they were correct. Honestly, great call from the haters. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Let’s just call ourselves divorced now and skip the stressful, expensive bit in the middle. Posted onMay 28, 2026
That uncle or aunt who kept their distance from the rest of the family will start making more sense as you get older. Posted onMay 28, 2026
If you put a pizza on top of a pizza, you have two pizzas. But if you stack two lasagnas, then you still have one lasagna. Posted onMay 28, 2026
When you are a leg-bouncer and someone asks you to stop, it’s like they’re asking you to stop your own heart. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I talk a lot of shit for someone who turns every black shirt into an abstract deodorant mural. Posted onMay 28, 2026
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I’m never really sure what to do with my hands when I go jogging, so I don’t go jogging. Posted onMay 28, 2026
“You’re an adult, maybe it’s time to stop fighting with people on the internet.” Posted onMay 28, 2026
My doctor just diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation. Now I’m worried shitless. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Please stop assuming that too many em dashes mean AI written. Some of us are producing grammatically incoherent work the honest way! Posted onMay 28, 2026
There’s really nothing as pathetic as watching a sad little man argue with Grok in hopes of manipulating the conversation to get an answer he wants. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Rather than work on my issues, I’m counting on my personality getting changed by a falling coconut. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Thank you, Facebook memories, for constantly reminding me of the shitty taste in men I had for the majority of my life. Posted onMay 28, 2026