Play the Grindr notification noise at Christmas dinner to see which conservative relatives panickedly check their phone ringer.

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My first mistake was leaving the womb.

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Anyone still shut off lights when leaving a room because their parents used to say, “Don’t waste electricity!”

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I saw someone wearing a shirt today that said “Eat Pasta Run Fasta,” and I can’t get it out of my head.

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Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.

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Me, on New Year’s Eve: I think instead of kissing at midnight, I’m just going to go outside and scream.

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I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.

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Can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.

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My only addiction is coffee, which is just like crack but is legal and tastes good.

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It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.

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For the record, I use a turntable.