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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇮🇳 has copied:

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night.

Someone from 🇲🇨 has copied:

Welcome to your 40s… you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.

Someone from 🇸🇰 has downloaded:

I set up a Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

Someone from 🇱🇾 has bookmarked:

You know what I never see anymore are those old alcoholics with the weird noses.

Someone from 🇸🇦 has shared:

Clearly I’m not doing Dry January unless you mean sense of humor.

Someone from 🇧🇾 has viewed:

Imagine hating me, and I’m just over here talking baby talk to my plants.

Someone from 🇸🇦 has viewed:

I like to push myself out of my comfort zone by sometimes sitting on the other end of my sofa.

Someone from 🇪🇷 has viewed:

Being a writer means canceling your plans so you have time to write, and then spending hours avoiding writing.

Someone from 🇫🇯 has copied:

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower.

Someone from 🇷🇼 has bookmarked:

Genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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3,595

Social Media Log 💫

Live now on LinkedIn:

Dear food, either stop being so delicious or stop making me fat.

Going viral on LinkedIn:

Anyone else get excited about going to bed because you know there’ll be coffee in the morning, or is that just me?

Going viral on Facebook:

One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched a surgery.

Shared recently on LinkedIn:

Female friendship is all about taking turns being insane. First, one of you is crazy, and the other has to counterbalance by being normal. Then, thirty minutes later, you get to trade.

Seen just now on Snapchat:

“I don’t care!”, he posted, again.

Just shared via WhatsApp:

Show dominance by ending the year in bed.

Freshly posted on X:

Pronouncing hyperbole like guacamole.

Freshly posted on Slack:

Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.

Seen just now on Discord:

Yesterday, my boss asked me what I did for a living.

Rest here, weary doom-scroller, you’ve seen enough bullshit for one day.

7 days ago

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Witty quote about taking a break from endless scrolling and online chaos.

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Commentary:
Doom-scroller achievement unlocked: Level 2024 complete! Time to recharge your sarcasm meter. 😎📱🔋

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81 shares on Messenger this month:

Some should judge a little less and look at their lives a little more.

81 shares on Slack this month:

People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like.

92 shares on Slack this month:

Controlling your emotions while on your period is an extreme sport.

70 shares on Telegram this month:

Watching 2+ movies a day to prevent a thought from happening.

89 shares on Slack this month:

“Machines will soon be as smart as people.” Ok, but which people?

10 shares on Slack this month:

I believe libraries are our proof that we once valued curiosity.

35 shares on Twitch this month:

How dare this person in traffic hold me up for seconds on the way to a place that doesn’t require my immediate presence?

75 shares on Threads this month:

That urge to nap between 3pm – 5pm is no joke.

20 shares on Twitch this month:

Bought a pair of night vision goggles so that I can easily find the fridge at night without waking my wife.

10 shares on Telegram this month:

Don’t forget to brush your teeth, comb your hair, cleanse your face, and share my posts.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇩🇲 has viewed:

Can I come over and figure you out?

Someone from 🇺🇸 has downloaded:

I don’t think I’ve ever made the right amount of pasta.

Someone from 🇧🇼 has copied:

I’m already ready to clock out from work tomorrow.

Someone from 🇹🇼 has shared:

Back in the day, you used to have to listen to records backwards to discover conspiracy theories.

Someone from 🇸🇲 has copied:

Biting the heads off all these gingerbread men if you wanna swing by.

Someone from 🇩🇰 has copied:

I will restart the entire song if you talk over my favorite part.

Someone from 🇫🇲 has downloaded:

Keep smiling, it makes people wonder what you’re up to.

Someone from 🇦🇬 has bookmarked:

The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.

Someone from 🇱🇻 has shared:

“Do you like using Twitter?” Does Sisyphus like his boulder?

Someone from 🇵🇦 has viewed:

Saturday nights are for watching zombie shows and dreaming about the apocalypse.

Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on X:

Twitter is the black sheep of the web, always in the corner, loudly arguing with itself.

Just shared via Instagram:

The people who “don’t have time” and the people who “always find time” have the same amount of time.

Spreading quickly via Twitch:

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

Going viral on Reddit:

Why do you assume it’s invalid to “make stuff up” during an argument? It shows initiative and creativity.

Just landed via Discord:

Authenticity is whispered, but bullshit is broadcasted.

Just landed via Snapchat:

Your Honor, that doesn’t sound like me.

Just landed via WeChat:

Boss: You’ll never find another job like this. Me: That’d be great.

Freshly posted on YouTube:

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

Trending via Discord:

Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.

Just landed via Telegram:

January 1st always feels like a Sunday, regardless of what day it’s actually on.

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Activity Log ✨

Rest here, weary doom-scroller, you’ve seen enough bullshit for one day.

A month in Italy has halved my will to work and doubled my desire for money.

Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you.

There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”.

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier.

Whole crypto scheme is built on people too dumb for crypto that aren’t self-aware enough to realize it.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Rest here, weary doom-scroller, you’ve seen enough bullshit for one day.

Keep the laugh going 😂

A month in Italy has halved my will to work and doubled my desire for money.

Dating over 40 is like Hide and Seek but no one is looking for you.

You can tell me what you want, but alcohol and eye contact are a dangerous combination.

There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”.

People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier.

Whole crypto scheme is built on people too dumb for crypto that aren’t self-aware enough to realize it.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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