Sorry, I can’t go out this weekend. I went out last weekend, and I’m still recovering from that.

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My recliner and I go way back.

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The advantage of being an identical twin: you only need one gym contract.

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What happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again.

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So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed.

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Pitching a sitcom where all the top people running a major city have been arrested and by chain of command the person in charge is now a librarian.

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If I shook my head at every stupid thing I saw, I’d have permanent whiplash.

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The only thing I gained this year is weight.

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Almost fell asleep while putting on the sweater because it got dark for a moment. That’s all you need to know about my morning state.

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I thought there was a spider on the rug but it was just yarn. It’s dead yarn now though.

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Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.