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I need someone to look at me the way I look at memes.

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Clearly, hell is empty, the demons are all here.

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I’m no expert, but I don’t think the United Kingdom is very united.

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FaceTiming me is for platinum members only.

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If I was God, I would’ve equipped women with venom glands.

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My sister: snowboards. My brother: skateboards. Me: charcuterie boards.

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Don’t be part of the problem. Be all of it.

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I bought a little bag of air today. The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.

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Good friends don’t let their friends do stupid things alone.

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I’m so old, I used to block people by simply holding the door shut.

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Telling the cop Iโ€™ll give him his nose back if he lowers his firearm.

Telling the cop Iโ€™ll give him his nose back if he lowers his firearm.

Commentary:
Trying to negotiate with a cop like they're a toddler โ€“ peak strategy! ๐Ÿ‘ƒ๐Ÿš”๐Ÿ˜…

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