44 funny telling quotes - Wordgag

I be outside telling people I don’t got social media when they ask.

May 30, 2026

Telling men I have a boyfriend doesn’t chase them away anymore, so I’ve started telling them I have a child.

May 30, 2026

I was telling my sister that I’ve been going to the gym recently, and my nephew said, “You should go inside when you get there,” and I don’t think I’ll ever recover from that.

May 30, 2026

Getting a boner because the Lego instructions are telling me what to do.

May 30, 2026

Telling the cop I’ll give him his nose back if he lowers his firearm.

May 30, 2026

Telling my boss I can’t come back to work because I’ve discovered the joy of doing nothing.

May 29, 2026

Telling the guy next to me on the subway that I’m not even ticklish, so don’t bother trying.

May 29, 2026

Telling her parents you creampie her daily is socially unacceptable. But telling them you’re trying for a baby is a cause for celebration.

May 29, 2026

Been telling everyone, “It’s been a good year for horses.” No idea whether that’s true or not, but they keep nodding like it makes a lot of sense.

May 29, 2026

I be telling people, “I respect your decision,” and I really don’t. The decision is always something stupid, and I just don’t want to engage any further.

May 29, 2026

Cocaine is God’s way of telling you that you make too much money.

May 29, 2026

Spotify Wrapped has a special talent for pulling up an artist I’ve literally never heard of and telling me I actually listen to them 2,000 times per day.

May 29, 2026

Ruined a Ferrari guy’s day today by telling him that I loved his Corvette.

May 28, 2026

I hate when I change the battery in the bathroom scale, and it starts telling the truth again.

May 28, 2026

You know it’s bad when people start telling you that you are the strongest person they’ve ever met.

May 28, 2026

My favorite part about having a Peloton is telling people I have a Peloton.

May 28, 2026

You are why Superman costumes have warning labels telling you the costume won’t make you fly.

May 28, 2026

I learned Morse code, and then I couldn’t sleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

May 28, 2026

My whole life, I never read a warning label telling me not to eat laundry detergent or put glue in my hair, somehow I just knew.

May 28, 2026

You’re telling me this moron’s on oxy.

May 28, 2026

Yesterday, thieves broke into my home. They searched everywhere and found nothing. They beat me up, telling me to work harder.

May 28, 2026

So, you’re telling me I’m just supposed to get up every day and keep living like this? Seems like a scam to me.

May 27, 2026

I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness.

May 27, 2026

It’s crazy how social media convinced us that 15 likes aren’t enough. Imagine 15 people in real life telling you that you looked good.

May 27, 2026

It’s way too easy to lie online. I was just telling Beyoncé about that the other day.

May 27, 2026

I received a DM telling me that I’ve offended some of you. I’m truly sorry; I meant to offend all of you.

May 27, 2026

Telling your parents about your problems is like trying to put out a fire with gasoline.

May 26, 2026

Texting my boss from the job I got laid off from 5 months ago and telling him I have diarrhea.

May 26, 2026

The tarot lady on my TikTok said that you miss me.

May 26, 2026

Telling my coworkers I can’t talk in meetings today because I need to save my voice for concerts this weekend.

May 26, 2026

Telling your parents about your problems is like adding another problem to your life.

May 26, 2026

Too many losers and not enough people telling them they’re losers.

May 26, 2026

I deserve an Oscar for telling my dentist I don’t eat candy.

May 26, 2026

When people are telling me a story about their life it often reminds me of a much better story from my life.

May 25, 2026

Thinking of telling my extra weight that I love it so that it can leave me too.

May 25, 2026

I’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult, I’m telling your mom.

May 24, 2026

If a billionaire is telling you to vote for someone, it’s probably in your best interest to vote for the other person.

May 22, 2026

Married life: Telling your partner the same sentence 7 days in a row, only for him to say, “You definitely never told me that!”

May 20, 2026

I’m about to start telling people, “As long as that makes sense to you,” when they say shit that doesn’t make sense to me.

May 19, 2026

You know it’s bad when people start telling you, you are the strongest person they’ve ever met.

May 19, 2026