The angel and devil on my shoulders are both completely fed up with me.

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The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

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Are you there, bathroom walls, ceiling, floor, mirror, sink, and towels? It’s me, the kids toothpaste.

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Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to get into my shoes.

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“I’m basically the human version of finding $20 in old jeans.”

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The lion does not concern himself with divorce papers.

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Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.

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It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.