Therapy is nice but singing as loud as you can in your car is free.

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I’m at an age where, when I’m tying my shoes, I think about what else I can do while I’m down here.

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At first, big breasts were attractive, then suddenly it was big butts. I’m waiting for it to finally be big bellies.

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Breakups are hard, but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered?

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“This was on sale!” is why I’m always broke.

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If only my teeth were as white as my legs.

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What I lack in moves on the dance floor, I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation.

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I want to clarify that what I publish on social media does not define me as a person; I am worse.

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No thank you, I only like men who have no interest in me.

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Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here. Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s all that happens in small towns.

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I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.