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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇸🇴 has shared:

I’m not even a 2nd choice, I’m like an 8th choice, sometimes a 10th.

Someone from 🇱🇺 has viewed:

I like to establish dominance by yawning the minute someone tries to make small talk with me.

Someone from 🇫🇲 has copied:

How dare you? I’m literally the sweetest most rage filled person on earth.

Someone from 🇦🇿 has downloaded:

Men tell you “I know a place” and bring you to the brink of madness.

Someone from 🇦🇷 has shared:

They say an apple a day keeps a doctor away. But what do I need to eat to keep everyone away?

Someone from 🇳🇦 has shared:

I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.

Someone from 🇰🇬 has shared:

I like you so much, I’d actually learn your phone number.

Someone from 🇨🇳 has downloaded:

This is my phone. I text back when I want to.

Someone from 🇦🇺 has viewed:

I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment.

Someone from 🇨🇴 has shared:

Play the Grindr notification noise at Christmas dinner to see which conservative relatives panickedly check their phone ringer.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,752

Funny Quotes Topics

17,765

Funny Quotes Images

15,752

Updated

Jan 19, 2026

Users Online

3,245

Social Media Log 💫

Broadcasted on X:

You give my middle finger an erection.

Just shared via Twitch:

I’m not ready to adopt a highway, I can barely raise my own driveway.

Going bananas on Snapchat:

I’m officially at the age where going out on the weekend just means I’m running errands.

Going viral on Slack:

The subtle art of surviving this life with grace and dignity.

Spotted on TikTok:

Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like.

Shared recently on WeChat:

Putting together a piece of furniture today, so my kids are about to learn swear words that haven’t even been invented yet.

Making waves on WhatsApp:

I put the ‘no’ in ‘I will let u know’.

Shared recently on WhatsApp:

I’ll never salute you, General Settings.

Spotted on Slack:

He doesn’t realize it yet, but this Saturday, I’ll be asking him to untangle 400 feet of Christmas lights.

Going viral on Pinterest:

Your email finds me deeply unwell. Teetering on the edge really.

There’s an unwritten rule: if you need something and it’s available at your mom’s house, it’s yours.

3 weeks ago

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Mom's house: the original Amazon Prime, but with more cookies! 🍪📦😄

available, family, home, house, humor, mom, need, possession, rule, something, yours

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78 shares on TikTok this month:

I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.

98 shares on Threads this month:

The only person I ever call is my wife, and that’s just when we’re trying to find her phone.

64 shares on Reddit this month:

There’s a fat man inside me dying to get out.

81 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.

90 shares on YouTube this month:

Toxic girlfriend who goes through her boyfriend’s calculator app and asks why he’s doing the equations he’s doing.

45 shares on Reddit this month:

Sawing a hole in a table from underneath to steal a cake is a lot harder than cartoons would have you believe.

49 shares on Snapchat this month:

This chapter of my life is called ‘at least the rent is paid’

28 shares on Snapchat this month:

WW3: I can’t fire my weapon unless I first watch a 15-second unskippable ad for Raid Shadow Legends.

91 shares on Instagram this month:

You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”.

51 shares on X this month:

It’s too bad he never woke up and chose violence. “Bob Ross, mob boss” has a nice ring to it.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇲🇹 has shared:

The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming throughout the golf course.

Someone from 🇲🇼 has downloaded:

For once, I’d like to spiral into control.

Someone from 🇨🇩 has copied:

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

Someone from 🇵🇬 has copied:

I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.

Someone from 🇲🇭 has bookmarked:

Another Monday that no one asked for.

Someone from 🇱🇹 has copied:

If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.

Someone from 🇲🇹 has viewed:

Adult friendships are like, “hey girl, let’s keep rescheduling to hangout until one of us dies.”

Someone from 🇻🇳 has copied:

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

Someone from 🇲🇷 has bookmarked:

I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs.

Someone from 🇸🇴 has bookmarked:

My friend thinks he’s smart. He said onions are the only food that makes him cry. So I threw a coconut at his face.

Social Media Log 💫

Shared recently on YouTube:

No parenting book prepares you for the stank of your kid’s soccer bag.

Just landed via Twitch:

Grammar is the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.

Making waves on Telegram:

I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting.

Just landed via Snapchat:

I prefer people who actually know what’s going on.

Freshly posted on Pinterest:

Nobody is more stressed than a person who has a lot of interests or passions and is still confused about their career.

Trending via Snapchat:

The dopamine hit of getting an Outlook meeting cancellation is unrivaled.

Spotted on Twitch:

Our pronunciation of the word “colonel” does feel like group psychosis.

Freshly posted on X:

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list that I was making, and now, I can’t read anything.

Going bananas on Snapchat:

Get off the internet and go sniff a flower.

Just shared via Twitch:

Hair is unwashed, so I obviously feel like I’m fundamentally unlovable.

Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

There’s an unwritten rule: if you need something and it’s available at your mom’s house, it’s yours.

Get in loser. We’re going on a guilt trip.

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

Going to all the Halloween parties this year as the Invisible Man.

The sexual tension between me and not finishing the last 2 episodes of a drama.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

There’s an unwritten rule: if you need something and it’s available at your mom’s house, it’s yours.

Keep the laugh going 😂

I’m officially at the age where I hate unnecessary noises and useless friends.

Get in loser. We’re going on a guilt trip.

Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.

Going to all the Halloween parties this year as the Invisible Man.

The sexual tension between me and not finishing the last 2 episodes of a drama.

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine. 30 minutes was not the right answer.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨