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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇱🇻 has bookmarked:

I just need a little time to warm up to you, and then I’ll be super fun, I promise—1-2 years at most.

Someone from 🇲🇨 has shared:

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out.

Someone from 🇨🇦 has shared:

The romantic says that there is the right partner for everyone. The realist says: only one person has to choose the wrong one and then it won’t work out for everyone!

Someone from 🇮🇪 has copied:

Your ex is ruining someone else’s life now. You are safe.

Someone from 🇵🇾 has shared:

“Gravy is not a beverage.” Okay, well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me.

Someone from 🇲🇨 has bookmarked:

Newborns cry because they’re being evicted.

Someone from 🇸🇷 has viewed:

Most venomous snakes just make “Tsssss”. But I know some that say “Hi”.

Someone from 🇧🇭 has bookmarked:

Why does the phone ring longer when you’re ignoring the call?

Someone from 🇨🇷 has shared:

People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.

Someone from 🇨🇿 has viewed:

I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but I do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so I can hear better.

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Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Live now on Snapchat:

Red Bull doesn’t give me wings, it gives me gas.

Just shared via Twitch:

Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go. It’s a running gag.

Spotted on WeChat:

Not today, Satan, but next week works.

Spotted on TikTok:

If your first child is uncomplicated, then it’s a trick of nature to get you to have a second child. The second will be an unpredictable bundle of energy that seems to get by without sleep.

Breaking via Pinterest:

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.

Spotted on Messenger:

She is so narcissistic that her narcissism has narcissism.

Live now on Twitch:

This meeting could have been an unread email.

Going bananas on Discord:

There are three certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late.

Shared recently on Threads:

Engaging in deforestation (trimming my bush).

Live now on Twitch:

Reverse cowgirl is not a fair trade because, why do you get a view of my sexy back, and all I’m seeing are your toes throwing gang signs?

Unfortunately, I could never be nonchalant because I am not well in the head, and also my soul is on fire.

21 hours ago

Funny Quotes

Funny quote about a fiery soul and quirky self-awareness in playful words.

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Commentary:
🔥😂 I guess "calm and collected" just isn't in the cards when your brain is doing the cha-cha and your soul's hosting a bonfire! 🙃💥

am, fire, head, health, humor, i, mental, mental health, never, nonchalant, personality, self-awareness, soul, unfortunately, well

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15 shares on Slack this month:

I don’t consider myself anything but average. However, I have aged well.

68 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

13 shares on Snapchat this month:

I’m not like other teenagers, I’m 51.

36 shares on Snapchat this month:

Humans were not meant to have this many passwords.

31 shares on LinkedIn this month:

(british guy unhooking your bra) All right, what’s all this, then?

66 shares on TikTok this month:

I get jealous when I find someone playing a song I thought only I knew.

54 shares on Telegram this month:

A baby cow is called a calf because it’s half a cow. Half cow. Calf. No further questions.

39 shares on Discord this month:

I don’t have any generational wealth but I did inherit a great spaghetti sauce recipe.

36 shares on Instagram this month:

Every time I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere, I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

52 shares on LinkedIn this month:

To the people who have only fans, what’s stopping you from upgrading to an air conditioner?

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇩🇯 has copied:

Getting a boner because the Lego instructions are telling me what to do.

Someone from 🇫🇮 has viewed:

Oh, to be a rich, beautiful woman in her big car, driving to buy overpriced groceries to stock up her breathtaking kitchen in her gorgeous house.

Someone from 🇵🇹 has copied:

Best tips for saving money: lay down and don’t move.

Someone from 🇫🇮 has downloaded:

Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song.

Someone from 🇸🇧 has copied:

I’m sick of blessings in disguise. I am ready for a blessing with absolutely no disguise whatsoever.

Someone from 🇮🇱 has copied:

Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.

Someone from 🇰🇳 has bookmarked:

I was actually doing so well until your email found me.

Someone from 🇿🇦 has downloaded:

I can’t wait to get married so I can bring home unnecessary stuff and get yelled at for it.

Someone from 🇧🇭 has downloaded:

I love when my friends have quiet boyfriends. Like, girl, your dog is so good, sis.

Someone from 🇱🇮 has bookmarked:

Walking on egg shells? In this economy?

Social Media Log 💫

Spotted on Snapchat:

The peace of not knowing.

Spotted on TikTok:

I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood, but I’m beginning to think they don’t worry about me.

Just landed via Facebook:

Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.

Spreading quickly via X:

The problem with “treat yourself” is that I don’t know how to stop. I had a bad day in March, and I’ve been treating myself ever since.

Going viral on Snapchat:

Kinda miss being a child and wondering why the moon follows me.

Going viral on LinkedIn:

First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone. Never!

Going viral on Messenger:

Weddings should have a worst man.

Making waves on WeChat:

You guys can continue with the week, I’ve stopped here.

Freshly posted on Reddit:

On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.

Freshly posted on Facebook:

Do you also watch porn until the end to see if they end up getting married?

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Activity Log ✨

Unfortunately, I could never be nonchalant because I am not well in the head, and also my soul is on fire.

According to my skin, hair, lips, and hands, I am doing Dry January.

Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones to say I’m a control freak.

Processed food was literally designed for you to eat. Organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere.

Men be like, “But I’m different.” Yeah, a different type of disappointment.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Unfortunately, I could never be nonchalant because I am not well in the head, and also my soul is on fire.

Keep the laugh going 😂

According to my skin, hair, lips, and hands, I am doing Dry January.

Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones to say I’m a control freak.

Sorry, babe, can’t right now. The group chat is active, and I’m trying to get my joke in before they change topics.

People thinking you’re dumb is one of the best advantages you can have.

Processed food was literally designed for you to eat. Organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere.

Men be like, “But I’m different.” Yeah, a different type of disappointment.

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