We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.

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I’m so broke, I owe myself money.

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Biblical loophole: It’s not premarital sex if you never intend to get married.

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If someone ghosts you, respect the dead and never disturb them again.

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Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl that’s too small for licking.

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You don’t realize how incorrect and annoying YouTube video essays are until they’re about something you like.

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I hate to brag, but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.

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I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.

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I would go out more if there weren’t any humans out there.

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Dear deodorant manufacturers, please stop writing “72h” on your products. There are people who believe that. And they sit next to me on the bus. Always. All of them!

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Can’t wait for my husband to see what he bought everyone for Christmas.