When you want to feel at your thinnest, walk through Walmart at any time of day.

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My two moods are eating a breakfast sandwich or wishing I was eating a breakfast sandwich.

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Your girlfriend needs two hours to get ready. But if you don’t have your shoes on when she’s ready, you’re the problem.

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Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth.

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Sometimes I look deep into my colleagues’ eyes to check if you really can’t see the back of their skulls.

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We always asked “where is Waldo” but never “who is Waldo hiding from”.

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I hate when I get ready too quickly and have to sit on the couch, fully dressed, and wait like an idiot.

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After all the books are banned, they’ll move on to suggestive fruit.

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Just because you can connect to your neighbor’s bluetooth speaker and play ghost noises doesn’t mean you should.

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I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

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Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.