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I’m never wrong. Just different levels of right.

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In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real.

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Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying โ€œWhat?โ€ to this person?

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I’m not lazy, I’m on power saving mode.

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I would prefer not to.

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Your honor, my client would like to play on his phone for a little bit

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When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black.

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That one British friend thatโ€™s too bloke.

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My cat and I talked it over and no we donโ€™t think that Iโ€™m crazy.

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Anybody else not stopped farting this evening? Asking for a friend.

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My mother always told me, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, say nothing at all.” Needless to say, I’m not much of a conversationalist.

My mother always told me, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, say nothing at all.” Needless to say, I’m not much of a conversationalist.

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Guess I'm fluent in the language of thoughtful silence! ๐Ÿค๐Ÿ˜‚

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