Another day without sex, but a mosquito just sucked on my neck and I moaned a little bit.

41 shares on LinkedIn this month:

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my casket and throw it in the crowd to see who next.

79 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. I’m fine!

82 shares on YouTube this month:

Rent really don’t make no sense. Like, why is my apartment getting a raise every year? Who is doing the performance review?

89 shares on Snapchat this month:

Some days you feel like a hotel light. You’re there, but you don’t have enough energy to really do anything.

37 shares on Pinterest this month:

There’s nothing like the excitement of a brand-new book to add to the massive pile of books I still haven’t read.

57 shares on Snapchat this month:

Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything, but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.

90 shares on Pinterest this month:

My main takeaway from ‘The Walking Dead’ is that you can still eat the expired canned goods in your pantry.

54 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Roses are red, I’m staying in bed. I’ve made no plans, besides pretending I’m dead.

44 shares on Instagram this month:

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life, I will be notified immediately.

18 shares on Facebook this month:

Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority.