Wordgag ツ

10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇺🇦 has copied:

Spotify has got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.

Someone from 🇭🇺 has viewed:

You better be kissing the screen when I send pics.

Someone from 🇱🇸 has shared:

“Hey you!” is short for “I have no idea what your name is.”

Someone from 🇰🇷 has downloaded:

Saw a shooting star and made a wish for everyone to stop talking to me.

Someone from 🇬🇳 has shared:

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out.

Someone from 🇰🇼 has bookmarked:

Just drank a big glass of water, and I regret to inform you, they might be right about hydration.

Someone from 🇨🇴 has bookmarked:

I always preferred the English spelling of “diarrhea” which is “diarrhoea” because it really looks like you’ve lost control of your vowels.

Someone from 🇰🇬 has bookmarked:

Weirdos gonna weird.

Someone from 🇪🇷 has downloaded:

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

Someone from 🇱🇸 has downloaded:

“Are you sexually active?” Dude, I’m not even socially active.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

calculating…

Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

Funny Quotes Images

15,753

Feb 3, 2026

3,302

Social Media Log 💫

Live now on Facebook:

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”? I’ve just been taking his word for it.

Freshly posted on Reddit:

Wearing shorts and my pale legs screamed at the sensation of sunlight like vampires.

Freshly posted on Twitch:

A genie that does my bidding would fix me.

Trending via Messenger:

I wish I was mysterious, but unfortunately I just can’t keep my mouth shut.

Making waves on X:

Best thing about TikTok is you literally don’t need to follow anyone to have a good time.

Just shared via Slack:

You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.

Freshly posted on Facebook:

I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us.

Just landed via Slack:

My guardian angel is taking the longest smoking break in recorded history.

Just landed via Reddit:

Calm down, engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you.

Freshly posted on Telegram:

Which is it, brain? Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything?

Funny hitman quotes

Funny hitman quotes bring a hilarious twist to the dark world of assassins 💼🔫. Whether you’re a fan of sharp wit or just love a good laugh 😄, these clever lines mix danger with comedy perfectly. Get ready to chuckle as we dive into the unexpected humor hidden behind those deadly missions 🎯😂. Perfect for sharing or brightening your day with a little assassin’s charm!

New funny hitman quotes 👇

Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.

4 weeks ago

age, hiring, hitman, men, regret
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

1 month ago

break, buy, hitman, house, humor, joke, lifetime, manufacturer, repair, send, something, warranty

All funny hitman quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

Random Funny Quotes

Social Media Stars ⭐

78 shares on Pinterest this month:

There’s something so spiritual about new life. When I look my baby nephew in the eyes, I can’t stop thinking about how amazing it will be to connect with him on LinkedIn.

24 shares on LinkedIn this month:

The smaller the woman, the bigger the attitude. It’s science.

11 shares on Messenger this month:

The problem with rich people is that I am not one.

75 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Men don’t chew on toothpicks all day anymore.

80 shares on Snapchat this month:

“Age is just a number!” Yeah, the older I get, the number I feel.

20 shares on LinkedIn this month:

The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.

90 shares on TikTok this month:

Three out of five times, my intuition is right. Not in casinos, though.

50 shares on Discord this month:

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

28 shares on Instagram this month:

I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.

72 shares on Snapchat this month:

Sometimes I wanna delete all my social media and throw my phone into a river.

Trending Topics 📁

Hot Jokes 💥

11 folks are currently checking 👀

Messed up and threw a surprise party for my minimalist friend. Now 25 of us are hiding behind the granite orb.

6 folks are currently checking 👀

Imagine how organized the first person to write down a recipe must have been.

5 folks are currently checking 👀

There’s no reason my stomach should be growling, I just gave it some iced coffee.

13 folks are currently checking 👀

We’ve been talking about eating the rich for so long, they got over-ripe.

16 folks are currently checking 👀

My cat’s in a bad mood, despite eating and sleeping all day.

13 folks are currently checking 👀

I love when my brain cells kiss and I have an idea.

7 folks are currently checking 👀

Sorry I didn’t respond to your message, I got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close.

8 folks are currently checking 👀

Bears and worms have almost nothing in common. But gummy bears and gummy worms? Very similar.

18 folks are currently checking 👀

A bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.

11 folks are currently checking 👀

Fake laughing with customers is actually a job skill.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

calculating…

Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

Funny Quotes Images

15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

Users Online

3,412

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇰🇷 has downloaded:

If I’m ever in a coma, please pluck my chin hairs.

Someone from 🇱🇧 has copied:

You can tell a lot about someone based on which Spice Girl they were most attracted to.

Someone from 🇬🇼 has bookmarked:

If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.

Someone from 🇸🇻 has shared:

You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

Someone from 🇹🇳 has viewed:

Toilets are not a crime scene, traces may be removed!

Someone from 🇵🇦 has shared:

Sometimes being alive feels like being a pornstar who is asexual.

Someone from 🇲🇳 has downloaded:

I’m retired. I was tired yesterday and I’m tired again today.

Someone from 🇹🇻 has bookmarked:

Someone asked me what my hobby was and I realized that my favorite hobby is doing absolutely nothing.

Someone from 🇧🇴 has copied:

The opposite of “taking candy from a baby” is “putting sunscreen on a toddler.”

Someone from 🇿🇲 has bookmarked:

I’m a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

Social Media Log 💫

Spreading quickly via Pinterest:

People pleasers aren’t kind. They’re afraid.

Going viral on WeChat:

Shut up brain, I wasn’t even talking to me.

Just shared via Threads:

Your honor, my client would like to play on his phone for a little bit

Shared recently on WeChat:

Perhaps an evening in the meditation cage will soothe you.

Trending via X:

With my staggering 91% survival rate, you’d be a fool to hire another dog sitter.

Just landed via Reddit:

I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

Making waves on Pinterest:

Nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head.

Live now on Reddit:

If you can’t tell which family member is coming up the stairs by the speed and weight of their footsteps, are you even family?

Shared recently on Pinterest:

Texting random numbers “It’s done.”

Just landed via X:

The rainforest cafe won’t be authentic enough for me if they don’t bulldoze 40% of the restaurant while I’m there.

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