Funny investigative journalist quotes

34 shares on Twitch this month:

Wiping my hands on my pants before I’m shaking someone’s hand, so they spend the rest of the day wondering what I just touched.

58 shares on Messenger this month:

You get to a certain age and realize stretching is non-negotiable.

14 shares on Telegram this month:

My parents didn’t raise me to order something expensive when someone else is paying.

34 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples.

56 shares on Facebook this month:

You misunderstood me. I said I was a “bawler,” not a “baller.” You know, someone who cries a lot.

87 shares on Instagram this month:

For Thanksgiving don’t ask me about my life, just pass me the bottle.

43 shares on WhatsApp this month:

They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself?

44 shares on Instagram this month:

Bank account nice and empty. Starting the new month on a clean slate.

24 shares on Threads this month:

If we date and break up, you gotta unlearn all my lingo and cool shit that I taught you. You gotta go back to being lame.

62 shares on Twitch this month:

My phone charger is lying in another room. HELP.