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Every girlโ€™s personal hell is being too excited about their birthday and it ends up being the worst day ever.

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Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.

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One thing about me is I donโ€™t even need to get drunk to act a fool.

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I finally got 8 hours of sleep. Took me four days, but whatever.

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When Hulk wrecks shit heโ€™s โ€œincredible.โ€ When I do it Iโ€™m โ€œcausing a sceneโ€ and โ€œneed to leave this place immediately.โ€

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Careful, “friend”. One more word about Shakira and you might find out just how fast I can draw this blade.

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Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

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I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption.

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People are too casual about the fact that parrots can talk.

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For my next trick, I’ll need a divorce lawyer.

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Someone from ๐Ÿ‡ช๐Ÿ‡น has downloaded:

Iโ€™m soirรฉe for my mispronunciation of French words.

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Pouring Diet Coke directly into my gunshot wound.

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Never let your job prevent you from acting unemployed.

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โ€œWhat fresh hell is this?โ€œ It’s actually the same hell as yesterday. Not fresh at all, really.

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God, I was so happy when I was 18. I wasn’t at the time, but in retrospect I was.

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Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll and pop some money in the pocket, please?

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Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one.

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If you have a pure heart, you can make pretty much any non-baking meal off just vibes and intuition.

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Letโ€™s drink some whiskey and say too much.

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Staring sadly at the empty ice cream bowl thatโ€™s too small for licking.

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