Good morning to everyone except the people who are missing the ability to read the room.

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Ever since I began sharing dad jokes, my followers have doubled in sighs.

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My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit.

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When I was a kid, I had to walk to Netflix.

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I have now spread out a blue tarpaulin in the garden. I want it to look like I have a pool on Google Maps.

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Stop worrying about being weird and start being weirder.

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The world needs to chill out. There’s no way future history teachers can cram all this nonsense into a semester.

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I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am.

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I hate the saying: “Get up, the sun is shining!” What am I supposed to do? Photosynthesis?

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Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!

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Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.