Grateful to be living in the “Tetris when it’s going too fast and blocks are helplessly piling up” era of human history.

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Second day without coffee. I can no longer hear out of my left eye.

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If cats could send Christmas cards, they wouldn’t.

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The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice-cream.

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The little umbrella is so unnecessary. Like, my drink is already wet, bro.

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Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.

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Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse.

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A moment of silence for those who hate us but can’t unfriend us because they’re afraid of not knowing what’s happening in our lives.

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A big part of aging is accumulating keys and not knowing what they’re for.

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Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check social media, because if he does, all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

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If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit.