Having a toddler is wild. I’m getting breaking news about Peppa Pig.

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Ever since I began sharing dad jokes, my followers have doubled in sighs.

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I got one brain cell left and it moves around my head like a Windows screensaver.

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Hey (with the intention of getting ice cream).

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I’m really into writing short fiction, mainly to-do lists.

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“It could be drugs,” I tell myself as I buy more books.

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He probably could have just called himself “Andre.” I think I would have figured out The Giant part on my own.

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I don’t want to adult anymore. Don’t even want to be human. I want to be a goat. Jump around randomly, eat what I want, and head-butt anyone who annoys me.