I don’t know if I’m pregnant or what, but I’ve been craving 3 million dollars so bad.

Someone from 🇪🇹 has copied:

I like to keep my wife guessing by walking around the backyard carrying a ladder and a chainsaw.

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If you tell me to make myself at home, I’m going to ask you to leave.

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Date idea: you hold my hand while I call the dentist and you tell me I’m so brave.

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Super excited about a brand new year full of questionable life choices.

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Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle.

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I hope this email kills us both.

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Beer is like weed for people with jobs.

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I need a reasonable job. Something like $3,000 an hour. Nothing too wild.

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Girl math is crying for two hours and then realizing it wasn’t that deep.

Someone from 🇴🇲 has downloaded:

I love it when my dog suddenly gets up and goes to another part of the house. Did you just remember you left the stove on or something?