I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my burrito warm in case you wondered what I was up to.

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I may not have lost all my marbles yet, but there’s a small hole in the bag somewhere.

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Living with a dog is 90% following each other around, watching each other go potty, and wondering what the other has in their mouth.

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Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.

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I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.

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I got a raise! On my meds dosage. But still.

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Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk.

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I know you miss me. The tarot lady on TikTok just told me.

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When you’re sad, find two equally sad friends and form a cryangle.

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I composed this post in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations.

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Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve.