I like to establish dominance by yawning the minute someone tries to make small talk with me.

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My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog.

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I don’t even want to talk about the things I had to do to that elf to get back on the nice list.

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Scrolling should count as cardio.

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People always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. Whenever I do that, my Uber driver yells at me.

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Today I was in a taxi, and the taxi driver said, “I love my job. I am my own boss, nobody tells me what to do!” Then I said, “Turn left.”

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The best proof that fairy tales are fictional is the fact that the prince is always an intelligent and handsome single man.

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That awkward moment when someone you hate is breathing.