I never thought I would say this, and it took me a while to come to terms, but I think I ate too much bacon.

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Body: Time to sleep. Brain: Hey, that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

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I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store.

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Even a broken shrimp fries rice twice a day.

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I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

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I’m not good at solving Pi, but I’m really good at eating it.

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I believe in annoyed at first sight.

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Breaking: man who liked me first no longer likes me.

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Sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “Hey, only I get to talk to myself that way”.

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Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”

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I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.