If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online, it’s not that I lied; it’s just that I failed.

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Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles.

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I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

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I can’t believe that it’s our turn to give money to our nephews and nieces.

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Awkwardly stares into the abyss in between meetings.

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Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.

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Three out of five times, my intuition is right. Not in casinos, though.

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Whenever I feel like I hate my job, I remind myself that I could be a food taster for the emperor.

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We’re living in increasingly unfergalicious times.

Someone from 🇬🇲 has downloaded:

Website: We use cookies to improve performance. Me: Same.

Someone from 🇵🇪 has downloaded:

Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults. Write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong.