If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

23 shares on Instagram this month:

I think, therefore I am. I am, therefore I think. Therefore I am. I think.

56 shares on Messenger this month:

It’s time to stare blankly at my wall for hours straight and think about where I went wrong with my life.

61 shares on Slack this month:

I wish my wife’s sighs came with subtitles.

66 shares on Threads this month:

Hired a financial advisor, and his first piece of advice was that I don’t make nearly enough money to justify paying a financial advisor.

62 shares on Pinterest this month:

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

57 shares on Telegram this month:

Of course I have critical thinking skills, I’m thinking critically of you right now.

64 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I learned Morse code, and then I couldn’t sleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

46 shares on Facebook this month:

It’s Monday again and I’m about to make it everyone’s problem.

75 shares on WeChat this month:

You will give your period 50 acres of prime pad, and it will still choose to encroach on your underwear.

40 shares on Threads this month:

So you mean to tell me a stress ball is not for throwing at people who stress you out?