If men didn’t exist, I would simply go for a 2 a.m. walk every night and listen to music in my AirPods.

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Getting a key tattoo, but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo, so no one ever finds it.

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After all the books are banned, they’ll move on to suggestive fruit.

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Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?

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“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is a beautiful, powerful sentiment that I fully ignore when book shopping.

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Dear Stomach, you’re bored, not hungry. So shut up.

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Don’t break someone’s heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206 of them.

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Everyone says “Do what makes you happy”, until you push them down the stairs.

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Just say, “My future husband would never do that,” and move on.

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I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

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Tons of names in my phones are “Kenny Landlord,” “Mike Electric,” or “Pete Do Not Answer,” and I just realized this is how Anglo surnames have always worked.