If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money, I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.

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Men will ask you zero questions about yourself, and then say they never met anybody like you.

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My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit.

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A wise man once said, “Bees don’t waste their time explaining to flies that honey is better than shit.”

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Why isn’t there a mosquito that sucks fat?

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No one told me adulting would involve trying to avoid so many scams.

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Don’t fall in love. It’s bad.

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Cookbook, but each recipe includes a photo of all the dishes that need to be cleaned after making it.