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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇾🇪 has shared:

Gonna start using “with all dude respect”.

Someone from 🇳🇮 has bookmarked:

Adulthood is just always being tired and wondering how you hurt your back.

Someone from 🇹🇷 has bookmarked:

The food hits different when it ain’t yours.

Someone from 🇳🇴 has bookmarked:

Just because you can connect to your neighbor’s bluetooth speaker and play ghost noises doesn’t mean you should.

Someone from 🇰🇪 has bookmarked:

“I’m not jealous of nobody but stay-at-home wives who are married to wealthy men.”

Someone from 🇱🇺 has bookmarked:

Everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places.

Someone from 🇧🇼 has bookmarked:

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? The one that I use every single day? And the location is my house, you say? Thank you so much for warning me. I will contact Interpol.

Someone from 🇱🇹 has downloaded:

You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework? Vodka!

Someone from 🇹🇱 has viewed:

Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context.

Someone from 🇬🇦 has bookmarked:

Every job is either 8 hours of getting exposed to cancer-causing chemicals or 8 hours of staring at a Microsoft Excel sheet.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,752

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17,765

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15,752

Updated

Jan 20, 2026

Users Online

3,265

Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via LinkedIn:

Balloons are so weird. “Happy birthday, here’s a plastic sack of my breath.”

Trending via Facebook:

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

Shared recently on Twitch:

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

Trending via Discord:

The single star on Texas’ flag is actually a review.

Just shared via LinkedIn:

There are days when trying to control your class is like trying to hug a tornado.

Spotted on X:

Maybe one day a street will be named after me. Or a school. Or a mental hospital.

Going viral on YouTube:

Girl, are you an Uber driver? Because you are driving me to drink.

Seen just now on Slack:

You have one week to ask me to be your Valentine. Requests must be in the form of poetic verse written in your blood.

Spotted on Pinterest:

I run a parody bank account.

Broadcasted on Twitch:

The homie who’s ultimately just a pawn in your grand scheme.

I’m glad cars were invented. Imagine riding a horse at 3 a.m., coming back from the club.

2 months ago

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Galloping home at 3 a.m.? I'd need a horse with GPS and a coffee IV! 🐴☕️😂

3, am, back, car, cars, club, coming, glad, horse, humor, imagine, invention, late, late night, night, riding, transportation

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24 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Carrying my phone from room to room like a Victorian woman and her lantern.

90 shares on Pinterest this month:

Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks.

38 shares on Facebook this month:

DMs full of guys who wouldn’t know what to do with me.

64 shares on Instagram this month:

My hair will never allow me to commit any crime; I leave my DNA everywhere.

39 shares on Pinterest this month:

…and so ends another week of me not becoming unexpectedly rich.

84 shares on Threads this month:

Who needs therapy when you can just cry in a fast-food parking lot.

18 shares on Facebook this month:

I hate when I lose things at work, like my favorite pen or my will to live.

96 shares on Twitch this month:

Tonight we shall read a passage from the old testicle.

66 shares on WhatsApp this month:

I don’t have any generational wealth but I did inherit a great spaghetti sauce recipe.

58 shares on Slack this month:

Vatican City should be called Popenhagen.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇳🇬 has shared:

I don’t need coffee, misanthropy fuels me.

Someone from 🇨🇩 has copied:

Reading Shakespeare for the first time is crazy because you go, “Oh, that’s where that comes from,” every other page.

Someone from 🇺🇾 has downloaded:

On the next episode of Hoarders, they visit my subconscious.

Someone from 🇬🇩 has shared:

Oh, him? He’s my insignificant other.

Someone from 🇧🇯 has downloaded:

I always fear that one day I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet.

Someone from 🇦🇬 has bookmarked:

I don’t think inside the box and I don’t think outside the box. I don’t even know where the box is.

Someone from 🇸🇹 has shared:

You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh, that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”

Someone from 🇲🇿 has bookmarked:

If insomnia were a sport, I’d have endorsement deals.

Someone from 🇮🇩 has viewed:

Sorry for being late, I was enjoying my last few minutes of not being here.

Someone from 🇱🇰 has shared:

Not leaving the house and not having contact with other people. The punishments of my childhood are now my hobbies.

Social Media Log 💫

Seen just now on LinkedIn:

I read classics because my FOMO is making me want to understand every reference ever.

Just landed via YouTube:

Feels like if cicadas are allowed to just sit in a tree and scream, I should also be.

Freshly posted on Discord:

I poked your tweet with a stick, hoping it would do something.

Shared recently on Snapchat:

“Tom Cruise does his own stunts!” Okay cool, but so do I.

Shared recently on Twitch:

I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.

Shared recently on Pinterest:

Enemies to lovers is only good if they’re gay. If I wanted to see a man and a woman yell at each other, I’d just go downstairs and eat with my parents.

Breaking via LinkedIn:

I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.

Just landed via Instagram:

In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever! In my 40s: uh oh!

Shared recently on WeChat:

Love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face.

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Activity Log ✨

I’m glad cars were invented. Imagine riding a horse at 3 a.m., coming back from the club.

After hearing that I have too many books and too many bookshelves, I’ve decided to cut back on the amount of people I listen to.

Weekends now feel like short commercial breaks in a stressful movie.

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

Revenge has no expiry date. I will deal with you when I’m ready.

Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes. Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

I’m glad cars were invented. Imagine riding a horse at 3 a.m., coming back from the club.

Keep the laugh going 😂

After hearing that I have too many books and too many bookshelves, I’ve decided to cut back on the amount of people I listen to.

Weekends now feel like short commercial breaks in a stressful movie.

I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

Revenge has no expiry date. I will deal with you when I’m ready.

Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes. Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨