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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇧🇯 has viewed:

Valentine’s Day this week. If you have a crush on me we still have time to get cards and shave.

Someone from 🇿🇲 has copied:

I’m actually really peace-loving, but then there are other people.

Someone from 🇱🇺 has shared:

I don’t think anything good will ever happen again until people feel bad about being stupid again.

Someone from 🇦🇲 has shared:

I laugh at my own jokes because I am my target audience. Y’all just happen to be there.

Someone from 🇨🇲 has downloaded:

Monday: The only day when you can wear the same outfit from the day before without anyone noticing.

Someone from 🇹🇷 has viewed:

Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door.

Someone from 🇵🇦 has copied:

You’re the ‘S’ to my ‘HTTP’; without you, I’m just a bad connection!

Someone from 🇪🇬 has downloaded:

Sometime you meet such a prince that you’d rather marry the horse.

Someone from 🇩🇴 has downloaded:

When I die, throw me on Mount Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.

Someone from 🇦🇫 has downloaded:

Today I started gardening. I planted myself in front of the TV and I sat there the entire day.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

1752 added this month

Funny Quotes Total

11,914

Funny Quotes Topics

14,731

Funny Quotes Images

11,914

Updated

2 minutes ago

Users Online

3,449

Social Media Log 💫

Spotted on TikTok:

Went for a walk. Very pleasant evening. The squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. That stung a little. I will remember their faces.

Shared recently on WhatsApp:

So many spreadsheets and not once did I feel excelled.

Freshly posted on YouTube:

I hate when people are outside when I’m trying to parallel park. I need some privacy.

Broadcasted on Pinterest:

If you ever find yourself mad at me, put a cape on so you can be super mad.

Reported on LinkedIn:

Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.

Seen just now on Twitch:

Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

Freshly posted on Telegram:

If you know karate, you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

Seen just now on WeChat:

So it turns out that being an adult is mostly just Googling how to do stuff.

Trending via Messenger:

I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.

Spotted on Facebook:

Requesting the Pink Panther theme song at karaoke and just standing on the stage motionless the entire time.

I’m gonna turn all this pain into something beautiful, like a tweet or a close friends story.

2 days ago

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Commentary:
Turning pain into art, 280 characters at a time! 🖊️😂📱

beautiful, beauty, close, close friend story, coping, coping mechanism, creativity, friend, friends, humor, mechanism, media, pain, social, social media, something, story, turn, tweet

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Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇦🇱 has bookmarked:

With all the fake information out there, I refuse to believe scales or mirrors.

Someone from 🇹🇷 has downloaded:

I feel like we’re all just angry and horny.

Someone from 🇮🇹 has viewed:

I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the house, no exceptions.

Someone from 🇱🇨 has bookmarked:

Roses are red, my name is not Dave, this makes no sense, microwave.

Someone from 🇦🇸 has viewed:

Basketball’s all like “gimme that pumpkin, I need it” and golf is all like “***k this egg, imma hit it into the sun”

Someone from 🇹🇯 has downloaded:

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

Someone from 🇧🇸 has viewed:

The sun really clocks out for the day before I do. That’s insane.

Someone from 🇲🇺 has copied:

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena.

Someone from 🇧🇮 has copied:

Does anyone else feel like their brain has a hundred tabs open at once?

Someone from 🇲🇺 has shared:

Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.

Social Media Log 💫

Making waves on Snapchat:

Deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon).

Making waves on TikTok:

Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.

Freshly posted on Instagram:

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long.

Reported on LinkedIn:

Book reviews be like: “5 stars. I’m sobbing. I’m unwell. I haven’t eaten in 16 hours. Highly recommend.”

Going viral on Slack:

If a girl sends you selfies and you don’t compliment her, she should be allowed to electrocute you.

Just landed via WeChat:

Show me another rule so I can break that one too.

Just shared via Twitch:

Okay, this integrity isn’t going to compromise itself.

Just landed via Threads:

DUI stands for: don’t Uber, I got this.

Going viral on Threads:

Time needs a speed limit.

Trending via WhatsApp:

If someone leaves your life, it’s often because the actor playing them is getting cancelled in the real world.

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I’m gonna turn all this pain into something beautiful, like a tweet or a close friends story.

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Trending Funny Quotes 📈

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

I like riding by myself so I can replay 1 song 111 times with no complaints.

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.

They say money doesn’t solve all problems, but it will surely solve all of mine.

I have 206 bones, 650 muscles and 50 billion cells in my body. It takes time to wake up all of them up in the morning.

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

Old people get so mad when you’re young and tired.

If you don’t buy any snacks, you’re proud for a moment and then incredibly sad.

Just spoke to my wife while the internet was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently.

I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

Trending Topics 📁

Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower tastes like ribs.

Microsoft Teams needs to add a “spank” reaction for when I want to reprimand my employees during a video call.

Maybe your soulmate’s just late, like, wildly behind schedule.

I wish every day had 30,000 hours, and that I had unlimited Adderall and was unemployed.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

If anyone wants to contact me, from now on I can only be reached via my bank account.

All this suffering on earth because someone ate an apple once.

I am simply too intelligent to be happy.

A lot of people think you need a lot of money to buy clothes. And they’re right.

I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that I borrowed and lost. We don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.

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