Is ice cream for dinner a thing, because ice cream for dinner should be be a thing.

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Parents saying “I know my child” will forever be the funniest joke.

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I’m at the age where I understand why my parents never wanted to stop for anything on the way home from work.

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Your girlfriend needs two hours to get ready. But if you don’t have your shoes on when she’s ready, you’re the problem.

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You don’t know a person until you’ve seen them eat popcorn.

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That very depressing moment when you find out the fire alarm that went off at work was just a test.

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At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.

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You are not obligated to post a video of yourself dancing.

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Study so hard until Dior is like Shein to you.

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Dating apps aren’t working, time to walk into a cafe looking confused.

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Twitter is basically a psychiatric ward where all the patients diagnose each other.