It’d be nice if my bank account filled up as quickly as my laundry basket.

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How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?

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It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.

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The sexiest woman you know is trying to maintain her balance between insanity and genius.

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It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

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It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man.

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Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends.

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A few months after the wedding, Cinderella’s husband began to complain about her having too many shoes.

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Printers are definitely the moody teenagers of the tech world.

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Sorry for my bad behavior. Mercury is in gatorade or whatever.

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Shoutout to the friends that still like me. All two of you.