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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇧🇾 has viewed:

Me going to work because I’m too honest to scam people, too shy to be an influencer, too good for a sugar daddy, and too dumb for crypto.

Someone from 🇹🇯 has copied:

Be gentle with me, I’m from the 1900s.

Someone from 🇰🇬 has bookmarked:

No open job postings for “Warrior Poet” found in your area. Please try another search.

Someone from 🇦🇴 has bookmarked:

Washing machine minutes are not the same as regular minutes.

Someone from 🇹🇯 has bookmarked:

At my age, this “microsleep” can sometimes last hours.

Someone from 🇵🇼 has copied:

I’m sick of waking up thinking about the government, and going to bed thinking about the government.

Someone from 🇶🇦 has copied:

If I had known how much care balcony plants need, I could have stopped taking the pill.

Someone from 🇳🇬 has downloaded:

The empty spot in your bed is for snacks, not liars.

Someone from 🇺🇬 has shared:

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

Someone from 🇰🇭 has viewed:

You have one week to ask me to be your Valentine. Requests must be in the form of poetic verse written in your blood.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

Funny Quotes Images

15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

Users Online

3,397

Social Media Log 💫

Seen just now on Facebook:

I get it, orcas. Sometimes you just need to ruin a yacht to feel something.

Just shared via WeChat:

Wish I could step out of my body and take my own damn pictures.

Shared recently on Facebook:

The people who “don’t have time” and the people who “always find time” have the same amount of time.

Spreading quickly via Slack:

Who called it girl math and not galgebra?

Just shared via Instagram:

Vote for me and I will halve the calories in chocolate.

Seen just now on Instagram:

Sorry, can’t go out tonight. My bed told me it needs me, and I can’t let it down.

Spotted on Reddit:

“Don’t take this the wrong way!” Translation: Prepare for insult.

Spreading quickly via Threads:

Get in loser, we’re going overthinking.

Just shared via Threads:

I made some bad choices in life, but I never bought a pair of Crocs.

Seen just now on Snapchat:

Shoutout to Netflix for being the only one that checks in on me every few hours. “Are you still watching?” Yeah, babe, thank you for asking.

It’s so hot out, I just hydroplaned off the toilet seat at work.

1 week ago

Funny Quotes

Humorous text about the heat causing a hilarious toilet seat mishap at work.

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Commentary:
Sounds like you need an inflatable pool float for the bathroom! 😂🚽💦

experience, funny experience, heat, hot, hot weather, humor, hydroplaning, i, just, office, office humor, seat, toilet, weather, work

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87 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Making a grown man kiss his camera on Facetime.

28 shares on Pinterest this month:

Our childhood photos might be ugly but those smiles were definitely not fake.

52 shares on WhatsApp this month:

I’ve been called a lot of things in my life, but nothing worse than being called on the phone.

93 shares on Discord this month:

I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.

34 shares on Reddit this month:

The introvert urge to leave a social event without saying goodbye to anyone.

47 shares on Reddit this month:

In other news, congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me.

21 shares on Telegram this month:

I’m gonna turn all this pain into something beautiful, like a poorly timed joke that makes everyone feel weird.

17 shares on Discord this month:

Driving a newer car is like “Oh weird, this one doesn’t have Shake on Highway, maybe they stopped making that feature”.

10 shares on Twitch this month:

I threw a ball for my dog. May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.

37 shares on Twitch this month:

Buying something nice for myself, cuz today would’ve been my birthday if I was born today.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇸🇴 has shared:

There should be an opposite of Valentine’s Day where you post Instagram photos of your enemy.

Someone from 🇻🇪 has downloaded:

If camera lenses are round, why are the pictures square?

Someone from 🇦🇴 has downloaded:

One thing I love about the internet is seeing some of the most hateful people posting inspirational quotes.

Someone from 🇦🇲 has downloaded:

I may join the cicadas this summer and just scream for six weeks straight.

Someone from 🇦🇬 has downloaded:

You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.

Someone from 🇱🇰 has shared:

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

Someone from 🇲🇳 has viewed:

I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

Someone from 🇼🇸 has downloaded:

I’m always sad when my sandwich is over.

Someone from 🇰🇿 has copied:

Welcome to your 40s. You now pay for 7 streaming services, only use 4 and can’t remember the password to any of them.

Someone from 🇧🇼 has bookmarked:

I love when kids tell me what they want to be when they grow up, because I’m still looking for ideas.

Social Media Log 💫

Going bananas on Reddit:

It’s amazing, when it’s your birthday you really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries.

Spotted on Slack:

My children are very helpful. For example, when I ask them to do something, they suggest a different child that could do it instead.

Seen just now on Telegram:

That uncle or aunt who kept their distance from the rest of the family will start making more sense as you get older.

Just landed via X:

Can’t. Calling out some bullshitters on some bullshit.

Going bananas on Discord:

It’s funny we got universal near-perfect free translation, and the world didn’t really change at all.

Spotted on WhatsApp:

Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.

Live now on Slack:

Sleep is a free trial of death but with ads.

Trending via TikTok:

Why do I gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship.

Making waves on Telegram:

Calling ahead to the cafe to warn them to “get those beans brewing”.

Going bananas on WeChat:

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

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Activity Log ✨

It’s so hot out, I just hydroplaned off the toilet seat at work.

“Turn down for what?” My ears, fella. My ears.

I’m at the age where unnecessary noise be pissing me off.

I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this, I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

If you call me “daddy” in bed, I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room.

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”.

Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

It’s so hot out, I just hydroplaned off the toilet seat at work.

Keep the laugh going 😂

“Turn down for what?” My ears, fella. My ears.

I’m at the age where unnecessary noise be pissing me off.

I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this, I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

If you call me “daddy” in bed, I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room.

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”.

Confidence is 10% work and 90% delusion.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨