Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.

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Men absolutely love buying the same shirt in four almost identical colors and saying, ‘Yep, that’ll do me for the next three years.’

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Welcome to Netflix. We have everything but what you want to watch.

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Seeking a date so intense even the candles are sweating.

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If you finish every sentence with “as the prophecy foretold”, your coworkers will leave you alone.

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You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hot dogs! hot dogs!” over and over again? That’s me, looking for hot dogs.

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Twitter is the only place where well-articulated sentences still get misinterpreted. You can say “I like pancakes,” and somebody will say, “So you hate waffles?”

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I was telling my sister that I’ve been going to the gym recently, and my nephew said, “You should go inside when you get there,” and I don’t think I’ll ever recover from that.

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The neighbor sneezes loudly from the balcony. And because I’m a polite person, I shout loudly: Disgusting!

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You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example, I learned I should have married someone else.

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Airlines be like: “Oh, wow. Oh, God. We didn’t think everyone would bring a bag!”