Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help some Hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something.

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Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks!

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The sandwich I made for lunch didn’t even make it until 10am.

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Your coworkers are your friends; stop working and hang out.

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Stranger: Your children are angels. Me: So was the devil.

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Imagine if we had to worry about dinosaurs too, on top of everything else.

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The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.

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Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.

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Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime, see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate.

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My body is in shock this morning from having to wake up early and wear hard pants.

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Don’t worry, bro. She’s probably just working on a puzzle right now. She’ll get back to you.