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Someone from 🇬🇦 has bookmarked:

You should be able to google why a couple broke up.

Someone from 🇰🇮 has copied:

The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was making all of the food that is unhealthy for you taste so good.

Someone from 🇮🇶 has downloaded:

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.

Someone from 🇫🇮 has viewed:

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

Someone from 🇹🇱 has viewed:

I like my men like I like my coffee. Not that hot but still making me anxious.

Someone from 🇧🇩 has viewed:

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.

Someone from 🇮🇶 has downloaded:

Are you gonna meow for me or what, bro?

Someone from 🇬🇧 has viewed:

Sawing a hole in a table from underneath to steal a cake is a lot harder than cartoons would have you believe.

Someone from 🇦🇷 has copied:

The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Very helpful. Thanks!

Someone from 🇧🇸 has bookmarked:

Scientists just confirmed that our dreams were real in another reality.

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Updated

Jan 31, 2026

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Freshly posted on YouTube:

I’ve realized that some people don’t like me, but I’ve also realized that I don’t give a shit.

Shared recently on Slack:

For a guy with no reflection, Dracula’s eyeliner is always flawless.

Going bananas on Snapchat:

I think I’m emotionally constipated because I haven’t given a shit in months.

Seen just now on X:

Beer is Narcan for when you overdose on Microsoft Teams.

Spotted on WeChat:

The real body count is how many people are in therapy because of you.

Going viral on Snapchat:

Cheeseburgers should be free for anyone that’s in a bad mood.

Trending via Facebook:

Sorry to any bands who see me yawn during their show. It’s not you, it’s just past 10pm.

Just shared via LinkedIn:

If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo.

Just shared via WeChat:

When I bark at a dog, I always worry that I might have inadvertently said something wrong.

Shared recently on Snapchat:

Americans can choose from over 1,000 breakfast cereals but only two presidential candidates?

My favorite pastime is staying up way later than I should and complaining the next day about how tired I am.

2 weeks ago

Funny Quotes

Clever, humorous quote about procrastination and tiredness with a playful tone.

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Commentary:
The art of nighttime procrastination followed by daytime regret—I'm practically a professional insomniac! 😴☕️😂

am, complaining, day, deprivation, fatigue, favorite, humor, i, late, later, next, pastime, procrastination, should, sleep, sleep deprivation, staying, staying up late, tired

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55 shares on Threads this month:

Sometimes I delete a post because I remember I’m too old for it.

16 shares on YouTube this month:

If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.

31 shares on Instagram this month:

I don’t have a favourite person, but I do have a favourite cheese.

75 shares on Instagram this month:

Those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

86 shares on Discord this month:

Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.

45 shares on WeChat this month:

Putting a hot frying pan into a sink running with cold water makes me feel like a blacksmith.

64 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Finally got around to emptying the vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.

61 shares on Instagram this month:

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

38 shares on Instagram this month:

If there’s ever an alien invasion, I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.

100 shares on X this month:

You know that moment when you get up in the morning, you’re full of energy and you can’t wait to get to work? Me neither!

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇸🇲 has viewed:

I actually love talking to strangers, they will unknowingly say some shit that shifts your perspective, and you never see them again.

Someone from 🇵🇪 has shared:

My youngest started kindergarten today and I cried, but mostly for his teachers.

Someone from 🇨🇬 has copied:

Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.

Someone from 🇭🇳 has viewed:

I believe in you. I also believe in Bigfoot so don’t get too excited.

Someone from 🇬🇷 has viewed:

Just a few more hours of scrolling, and then I will finally know.

Someone from 🇭🇹 has copied:

Almonds are a scam. They are wood. You are eating wood.

Someone from 🇷🇼 has copied:

Wouldn’t it be nice if you could donate your own body fat to those who need it more urgently?

Someone from 🇯🇵 has viewed:

Once again, I have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes.

Someone from 🇱🇨 has shared:

The lion doesn’t concern himself with credit card debt.

Someone from 🇸🇨 has downloaded:

Thanks for leaving my door open; I was running low on houseflies.

Social Media Log 💫

Going viral on X:

Why count sheep when I can count my troubles?

Just landed via LinkedIn:

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

Shared recently on TikTok:

Please don’t take illegal substances. Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.

Shared recently on Facebook:

Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.

Spotted on Telegram:

All my bills say “Outstanding.” I guess I am good to go.

Shared recently on YouTube:

People who wear jeans for fun around their house have bodies buried in their backyard.

Trending via YouTube:

“Treat yourself. You deserve it,” she says while adding the shoes to her cart.

Making waves on WhatsApp:

I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing in front of the rotisserie chicken at Costco.

Just landed via Facebook:

If you accept a knighthood, you should have to participate in at least one jousting tournament a year. The tournaments should be televised.

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Activity Log ✨

My favorite pastime is staying up way later than I should and complaining the next day about how tired I am.

Having leftover pizza for breakfast is an actual blessing.

Hot girl in her 20s: It’s so weird, but I keep getting lucky, and everything works out in my favor.

The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

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Activity Log ✨

My favorite pastime is staying up way later than I should and complaining the next day about how tired I am.

Keep the laugh going 😂

Having leftover pizza for breakfast is an actual blessing.

Hot girl in her 20s: It’s so weird, but I keep getting lucky, and everything works out in my favor.

The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.

Getting drunk was invented by Big Text to make you send more texts.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be in a different realm.

Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.

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