My kids and I have this bit where I say something and they ignore me.

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The Gulf of Mexico should’ve been renamed to Sea Señor.

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I’ve got a headache, and it’s affecting my entire future.

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I walked into a holiday party, saw someone else already playing with the dog, and realized they’d stolen my entire social strategy.

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“I’m in a really good place right now, not mentally. I’m just indoors with air conditioning.”

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Why is bacon called bacon and cookies called cookies if you cook bacon and bake cookies?

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If i say “morning!” to you, it does not mean “good morning”, I am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning.

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I love when my grandma texts me — because I know it took her an hour.