My super talent is hitting every red light on the way to wherever the hell I’m going.

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Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

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Dads were right. Walking around with your hands behind your back and looking at everything around with a mild look of disgust and annoyance is so much fun.

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If I had a tiny girlfriend, I would love to throw her across gaps so she can pull levers and open doors that get me to her part of the level.

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“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.

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Everyone is awful in their own special way.

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I miss when The Weeknd made haunted strip club music. Didn’t know how good I had it.

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Have you ever accidentally opened your front-facing camera, and it ruined your day a little?