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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇶🇦 has bookmarked:

Anyone who thinks being a pessimist isn’t any fun fails to appreciate the joy of saying, ‘I told you so.’

Someone from 🇸🇮 has shared:

Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?

Someone from 🇸🇧 has downloaded:

Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.

Someone from 🇵🇾 has viewed:

Can’t. Inventing new things to worry about.

Someone from 🇧🇪 has copied:

The Christmas tree I’ve had up all year makes a lot more sense now.

Someone from 🇹🇳 has shared:

The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa.

Someone from 🇹🇹 has downloaded:

Men be like, “Ok, you wanna know the truth,” and lie even harder.

Someone from 🇰🇲 has copied:

You never realize what you have until it’s gone. Toilet paper is a good example.

Someone from 🇧🇬 has shared:

Humble enough to know I can be replaced, but wise enough to know ain’t nobody else like me.

Someone from 🇵🇾 has copied:

My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,752

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17,765

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Updated

Jan 20, 2026

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3,266

Social Media Log 💫

Broadcasted on Twitch:

There’s a special place in hell for people like you (next to me).

Seen just now on TikTok:

The only thing Flat Earthers have to fear is sphere itself.

Going bananas on Twitch:

I wasn’t made to hustle and bustle. I was made to dilly and dally.

Going bananas on X:

There’s nothing scarier than sneezing with a full cup of coffee in your hand.

Breaking via TikTok:

My therapist said this to me, and it hit me like a brick: “They’re not your friends if they disagree with you or try to challenge you.”

Going viral on Threads:

You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.

Making waves on Telegram:

That’s me in the corner eating Nutella with a spoon.

Just landed via Messenger:

Rewatching my story every time somebody heart it to see what they see.

Seen just now on WeChat:

Manipulative people really be like “oh, so now I’m the bad guy for being the bad guy?”

Trending via Snapchat:

“Try it all before you die” is always drugs and sex, never quantum physics.

My wife has a weird habit of starting conversations by saying, “Are you even listening to me?”

2 months ago

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Sounds like selective hearing is a marital superpower! 👂😅🔊

communication, conversation, conversations, even, habit, listening, me, relationship, saying, starting, weird, wife

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32 shares on Threads this month:

Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to the sounds of their chewing, because that’s the soundtrack to the rest of your life.

35 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.

35 shares on Messenger this month:

Not going is the new leaving early.

54 shares on Discord this month:

It’s hard dating someone who has been single for a long time. Any slight inconvenience, and they’ll crawl back into their peaceful abode. No stress.

99 shares on Telegram this month:

Apologies for the delays. The suitcase smashing machine has broken down, so we’re having to smash suitcases by hand.

88 shares on Messenger this month:

I can’t explain how it works, but one day, you just wake up and like sauerkraut.

44 shares on WhatsApp this month:

I don’t wanna brag, but my posts are unpopular on all continents.

30 shares on Discord this month:

What doesn’t kill you gives you a twisted, dark sense of humor.

99 shares on Discord this month:

Seize the day! Unless it sucks. Then seize the next one.

45 shares on WeChat this month:

But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇵🇼 has downloaded:

You can’t have everything… where would you put it?”

Someone from 🇰🇷 has downloaded:

You ever met someone so dumb you gotta take a deep breath before responding to them?

Someone from 🇻🇨 has viewed:

If Twitter has taught me anything, a lot of us aren’t ready for a spelling bee.

Someone from 🇬🇪 has viewed:

There’s a certain nothing about you.

Someone from 🇱🇹 has bookmarked:

I think there’s a size limit on engagement rings before they look tacky, to me.

Someone from 🇦🇫 has downloaded:

You cannot trust me at a zoo because I’ll release the animals.

Someone from 🇿🇲 has viewed:

Washing your face and water going down your elbow is so sickening.

Someone from 🇹🇲 has shared:

Giant-sized bag of candy: I’m resealable. Me: That won’t be necessary.

Someone from 🇸🇩 has bookmarked:

Every room is a panic room if someone farts.

Someone from 🇲🇲 has shared:

Good things take time, that’s why I’m always late.

Social Media Log 💫

Seen just now on Instagram:

Buying books and reading them are actually two entirely different hobbies.

Freshly posted on Instagram:

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

Shared recently on Facebook:

My favorite hobby is withering away.

Making waves on Reddit:

Do you ever want sleep but sleep doesn’t want you?

Live now on Telegram:

Obviously, I’m gonna upload pictures with filters and in my best angles. If you wanna see the ugly side of me, come to my house, but bring ice cream.

Broadcasted on Messenger:

Either the tables are going to turn, or I’m going to flip them.

Live now on Facebook:

I’m glad the makers removed all the unnecessary sex scenes from my life, so I can focus on character development.

Shared recently on Reddit:

“Are you free tomorrow?” No, tomorrow I’m still expensive.

Broadcasted on Twitch:

Oh great, you brought your ancient ancestors with you.

Broadcasted on Messenger:

The term “bisexual” is so confusing. Are you sexual twice a week or once every other week?

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Activity Log ✨

My wife has a weird habit of starting conversations by saying, “Are you even listening to me?”

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years.

The light at the end of the tunnel is only the headlight of the oncoming train.

I was not meant to work a job; I was meant to lay down and ponder.

If I like cleaning? Does Sisyphus like his boulder?

I always thought that aunts had a lot of money. Until I became one myself.

At my age, I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

My wife has a weird habit of starting conversations by saying, “Are you even listening to me?”

Keep the laugh going 😂

I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years.

The light at the end of the tunnel is only the headlight of the oncoming train.

I was not meant to work a job; I was meant to lay down and ponder.

If I like cleaning? Does Sisyphus like his boulder?

I always thought that aunts had a lot of money. Until I became one myself.

At my age, I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨