Help, I accidentally used dark humor with normal people, and now they’re concerned for my mental health. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Sometimes I glance over at my boyfriend, and he’s just looking at Google Maps, scrolling around. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I sexually identify as a microwave dinner, because I am ready in 5 minutes, look nothing like my photos, and I’m just satisfying enough for you to want me again when you’re desperate. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Me: I have a cut under my fingernail. Universe: Excellent, I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I hate being at the age where you feel obligated to buy your whole family gifts for Christmas, but also the age where your bank account doesn’t feel obligated to support that. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Does anyone else run a used match under water before disposing of it because you’re afraid it still has some fire left in it, or are you normal? Posted onMay 29, 2026
In all the movies, Santa never goes to the house directly next door. He always gets in his sleigh and flies off like 20 miles east. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Ever since I was a little kid, I knew I would be fraught with melancholy and nostalgia. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Saw a girl in a Franz Ferdinand T-shirt. She couldn’t even name three other main causes of the outbreak of World War I. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Instagram should let you extend the run of one story for another 24 hours if the intended target didn’t see it. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Been telling everyone, “It’s been a good year for horses.” No idea whether that’s true or not, but they keep nodding like it makes a lot of sense. Posted onMay 29, 2026
They’re bluffing when they say you can still get knocked off the nice list this late in the game. Santa’s been delivering gifts in Japan for hours by now; that list is locked. Do whatever you want. Posted onMay 29, 2026
If I had a wife, I’d text her things like, ‘What’s your full name?’ and ‘When’s your birthday?’ Posted onMay 29, 2026
There must be an opposite of suicide, where someone suddenly and radically decides to start living, and rescues their own life from meaninglessness. Posted onMay 29, 2026
This entire year I was method acting. None of it was real. I was working on a bit. Posted onMay 29, 2026
My biggest motivation for getting out of bed in the morning is knowing that I’ll eventually be able to get back in it. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I hope my parents feel proud. They scared me so bad about getting pregnant as a teenager that now they’re never getting grandkids. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I remember when Britain used to be so rich, you’d be embarrassed to go into a Lidl or Aldi. Posted onMay 29, 2026
If I worked construction, I would always say, “It’s hammer time,” when I left for work. Posted onMay 29, 2026
It’s funny how sometimes you buy a book, then read it in two days, and sometimes you buy a book, and it lives on your bookshelf for 12 years. Posted onMay 29, 2026
It’s really important to stay hydrated at work, so you can take as many 10-minute-long bathroom breaks as possible. Posted onMay 29, 2026