Make sure you bury me near a bathroom because death is long, and I’m sure I’ll still have to get up and pee. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I don’t know what’s more fun—grocery shopping or making the old men blush by asking if these melons look ripe. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Standing like a flamingo at my kitchen counter eating watermelon is such a vibe. Posted onMay 28, 2026
If I say “with all due respect,” nothing respectful is about to come out of my mouth. Posted onMay 28, 2026
The meteorologist who devised the wind chill factor has died. He was 86, but he felt like 75. Posted onMay 28, 2026
How I clean my room: 1. Start in one corner. 2. Find something from six years ago and stare at it nostalgically for five hours. 3. Go to bed. Posted onMay 28, 2026
No one is more stressed than someone who has seen their potential and knows they aren’t living up to it. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Stay up till 4 a.m. one night, and your sleep schedule is ruined for the next 4 years. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Do u guys also have a story in your head, and when you’re bored, you just add more to it and continue from where you left off? Posted onMay 28, 2026
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I just want a bar where I can pour my own drink, have music at a normal volume, and there are no people, and it’s my house. Posted onMay 28, 2026
If a man says “I don’t deserve you,” believe him. Because he is about to show you why. Posted onMay 28, 2026
When people block me, I just assume it’s for my rugged good looks and killer jawline. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Goodnight to the men who know one woman is enough. The rest can get sleep paralysis. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I’m a simple girl, really. I just want to watch the sunset, laugh, drink coffee, and read books. I also want a time machine and a pet dragon. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I stopped writing “Feel free to reach out if you need anything else” at the end of my emails because please don’t do that. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Sure, money can’t buy happiness, but it can definitely buy a jet ski… and have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? Posted onMay 28, 2026
I love to watch the enthusiasm of new coworkers, and then their inevitable slow descent into not giving a damn. Posted onMay 28, 2026
By 30, you should have settled down with an addiction that works for your lifestyle, no second guessing. You go to work, come home, and [addiction]. Posted onMay 28, 2026
You can tell it’s desperate times the way spam messages have gone from fantasies like ‘I am a prince and I want to give you money’ to ‘I am an HR manager and I have a real job for you!’ Posted onMay 28, 2026
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. Got some sick rhymes about Debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Answering your cell when you don’t recognize the number is like picking up a hitchhiker. Posted onMay 28, 2026