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My kids practically have medical degrees theyโ€™re at the nurse so much.

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Welcome to your 40s. “I’m too old for this shit” is now your excuse and explanation for everything.

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I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

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โ€œMale loneliness epidemicโ€ and itโ€™s just karma and the consequences of their actions.

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If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no oneโ€™s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.

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I was told to be more optimistic so Iโ€™ve decided french fries arenโ€™t bad for me.

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The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice-cream.

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“Topless” doesn’t always mean breasts or a convertible. Sometimes it also means the brain.

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The most annoying child in our house is that of my mother-in-law.

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I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled โ€œrun for your life!โ€ Iโ€™d be like โ€œyaโ€™ll go ahead, Iโ€™m meetinโ€™ Jesus today!โ€

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Remember those days when you missed school and you’d check the time and think, “They’re eating right now.”

Remember those days when you missed school and you’d check the time and think, “They’re eating right now.”

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Ah, the nostalgia of sick days: where you could time travel from bed straight to the school cafeteria! ๐Ÿ›Œโฐ๐Ÿฅช

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Welcome to Wordgag! ๐Ÿ˜‰โœŒ๏ธ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ’ฅ

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Please hesitate to get in touch with me.

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Is it too late to reset my life back to factory settings?

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One day youโ€™re young and fun, and the next thing you know, youโ€™re staring out of a window for no reason.

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Asking people their favorite color and then calling them liars.

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If youโ€™re looking for another bad decision, Iโ€™m here.

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Dear Snapchat memory, that’s not my friend anymore.

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The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.

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Women always want to marry intelligent men. What they don’t know: Intelligent men don’t want to marry.

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I’m actually quite nice. If I had friends, they’d all confirm that.

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Nobody is busier than a woman who isn’t into you.