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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇲🇼 has bookmarked:

Welcome to your 50s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.

Someone from 🇬🇲 has viewed:

I hate it when I’m singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong.

Someone from 🇸🇩 has bookmarked:

Nike: Just Do It! Me: I don’t want to.

Someone from 🇹🇳 has downloaded:

She’s the kind of beautiful that makes me do 40 push-ups in my room at 3am.

Someone from 🇱🇺 has viewed:

Adulthood means trying to convince yourself that the font is just too small and that it isn’t your eyesight going bad.

Someone from 🇦🇫 has shared:

“Autophagy” would be a beautiful name for a girl.

Someone from 🇬🇩 has downloaded:

A genie that does my bidding would fix me.

Someone from 🇲🇪 has copied:

Grab your own butt! Love yourself!

Someone from 🇳🇷 has bookmarked:

I didn’t mean to mimic your voice, I just had to know what it felt like to sound like that.

Someone from 🇾🇪 has shared:

Unfortunately, a great many problems in life can be solved by just being hotter.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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3,713

Social Media Log 💫

Going bananas on Messenger:

If every lesbian is into older women, who’s gonna like the younger ones?

Just landed via Messenger:

Imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog.

Making waves on Snapchat:

Sleeping nakey nakey nakey just in case Santa wants a different type of cookie tonight.

Freshly posted on LinkedIn:

I was really happy about it being Friday until I realized it was only Wednesday.

Making waves on Snapchat:

Plot twist: the universe is waiting for you to give it a sign.

Just landed via Instagram:

Stop asking me if I’m tired. Can’t I just be ugly?

Freshly posted on Instagram:

About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it.

Seen just now on TikTok:

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

Shared recently on Twitch:

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

Just landed via Telegram:

If I’m too much, go find less. I’m not running a clearance sale.

Remember those days when you missed school and you’d check the time and think, “They’re eating right now.”

1 week ago

Funny Quotes

Witty quote about missing school and imagining classmates eating lunch.

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Commentary:
Ah, the nostalgia of sick days: where you could time travel from bed straight to the school cafeteria! 🛌⏰🥪

break, break time, check, childhood, days, eating, memory, missed, missed school, nostalgia, remember, right, school, think, time

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62 shares on Slack this month:

Haircuts should be covered by healthcare.

45 shares on Snapchat this month:

Shall I cook, clean, or do the grocery shopping? Okay, reading it is.

54 shares on Twitch this month:

Liking a post I don’t understand just to impress the algorithm.

91 shares on Snapchat this month:

Bought a house plant so I wouldn’t be the only one dying of dehydration around here.

92 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Fall in love? I can barely fall asleep.

83 shares on Messenger this month:

The local casino is hosting a speed dating event. Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.

68 shares on Pinterest this month:

I’m always a little mean to men because, if you treat them like humans, they think you wanna sleep with them.

51 shares on Facebook this month:

69 but we both just farting.

66 shares on Twitch this month:

I am “I can’t remember the last time I went out on New Year’s Eve” old.

45 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇮🇱 has downloaded:

Pretty sure the guy in front of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.

Someone from 🇧🇭 has bookmarked:

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

Someone from 🇸🇦 has bookmarked:

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle, we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder.

Someone from 🇲🇷 has copied:

The longer you go without something, the more comfortable you become without it. That goes for people, too.

Someone from 🇺🇬 has bookmarked:

If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.

Someone from 🇬🇩 has copied:

Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours.

Someone from 🇻🇳 has bookmarked:

The highest act of rebellion is to relax unconditionally.

Someone from 🇬🇶 has copied:

I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”

Someone from 🇮🇸 has copied:

There’s protein in foods that have never been protein before.

Someone from 🇨🇫 has bookmarked:

You ever get into such a weird mood you have to put yourself on house arrest for a couple days?

Social Media Log 💫

Going viral on Facebook:

The thing about Pink Floyd is they take a little while to start singing.

Going bananas on Reddit:

Asking my boyfriend if he would still date me if an alien had done experiments on me that killed me but, as a gesture of kindness, replaced me with a perfect replica, and he was the only one who knew.

Broadcasted on Discord:

Bugs Bunny taught me that my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

Just shared via Discord:

Don’t scare me, I fart easily.

Broadcasted on Snapchat:

When I become president, any public holiday that falls on a Thursday automatically extends to Friday.

Shared recently on Twitch:

Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?

Just shared via Facebook:

Hey girl, are you a burger? Because I love you.

Just shared via Pinterest:

I need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms, where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations.

Just shared via Twitch:

Since you’re all so in love, switch phones for Valentine’s Day!

Seen just now on LinkedIn:

Your girlfriend needs two hours to get ready. But if you don’t have your shoes on when she’s ready, you’re the problem.

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Activity Log ✨

Remember those days when you missed school and you’d check the time and think, “They’re eating right now.”

If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one.

I’m not lazy, I’m waiting for inspiration to hit me… should be here any time now.

A big part of aging is accumulating keys and not knowing what they’re for.

Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid.

Those astronauts that just landed? They should be greeted by chimpanzees on horses.

I love how spring sprung and then disappeared again.

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Activity Log ✨

Remember those days when you missed school and you’d check the time and think, “They’re eating right now.”

Keep the laugh going 😂

If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one.

I’m not lazy, I’m waiting for inspiration to hit me… should be here any time now.

A big part of aging is accumulating keys and not knowing what they’re for.

Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid.

Those astronauts that just landed? They should be greeted by chimpanzees on horses.

I love how spring sprung and then disappeared again.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨